How to Help a Friend in Need
“She’ll be right, mate,” is a slogan as quintessentially Aussie as the Victa Lawnmower, the Hills Hoist Clothesline and Vegemite on toast. In international circles, this no-fuss, no-sweat attitude seems to epitomise the stereotypical Aussie character.
But what if she isn’t alright?
Don’t get me wrong, I love the optimism in this phrase. I am inherently a glass-half-full person and I like to get things done, rather than fuss over the menial things.
But sometimes we cannot be strong and we cannot keep pretending that everything is OK.
Lent is a time for slowing down and prayerfully reflecting on the state of our lives. When we slow down, we notice little things. We notice the new trees that have been planted along the footpath or the flowers that have blossomed. When we slow down, we become attuned to seeing pain, joy, grief or distress in a person’s eyes. How often do we see people as a vessel for ticking yet another item off our to-do list?
Many of us would know the experience of keeping ourselves busy so as to avoid pain and suffering. Being busy is our new comfort zone. I remember a friend who once told me that she dreads the day she leaves her headphones at home because she must confront the thoughts in her head. She told me how scrupulously she fills every spare moment with work, phone calls, music, Instagram, television or any other stimuli available. She fears that dreaded moment of silence… that moment of perceived nothingness.
Slowing down during Lent can be a confronting experience. It opens us up to noticing the suffering in ourselves and those around us.
For those of us who aren’t mental health professionals, it can be hard to know what to do or who to talk to when we are confronted with pain.
How do I know whether my friend has a serious problem?
When a friend comes to you in need, it is good to know the five Ds. They can help you distinguish between whether your friend has a serious problem or if they are just having a bad day.
Deviance
Often we take for granted the behaviours that are considered normal for a social group – things like waiting your turn in queues or wearing clothes that are appropriate for an occasion. For example, it is generally accepted that you don’t arrive at work in your pyjamas! I used to work with a child who was functioning quite well in most areas of his life. But whenever he came across food he would take it and keep a stash in his bedroom. For this child, even though he was functioning quite well in other areas of his life, this behaviour – which deviated from the social norm – was a sign that he was experiencing high levels of anxiety. Food was something that he could control and it prompted us to get him some help.
Dysfunction
This is when the symptoms that someone is experiencing interfere negatively in multiple areas of their life. For example, your friend might experience a depressed mood for most of the day, which impacts their relationships with others. They may have a decrease in pleasure in almost all activities of life or experience insomnia to the point of interfering with daily tasks. When a person has major depression it is likely that they have experienced dysfunction in almost every area of their life.
Danger
If your friend’s issues are causing danger to their physical wellbeing, finances or relationships, this is a sign that they need help. Examples of danger to physical wellbeing include self-harm, binge-eating or excessive drinking, while excessive gambling or shopping could be putting their financial situation at risk.
Distress
We experience distress when we are overwhelmed by demands, losses or apparent threats. Not all people will experience distress as a result of their mental health, but some do. Perhaps your friend is apathetic about their situation, but you have noticed that their parents or siblings are distressed about the state of their loved one. If this is the case, is it a important to find help for your friend.
Duration
We’ve all experienced a bad day. We all know what it’s like to want to stay in bed all day and avoid the outside world. But when feelings of sadness or severe anxiety last for more than two weeks, it indicates a problem.
I think my friend has a problem that needs to be taken seriously.
How do I find help?
The following information is for those living in Sydney, Australia.
CCareline is a new and unique telephone help-line that you can call to find help for your friend. You can call CCareline from 8am-8pm from Monday to Friday on 13 18 19.
The social services professionals at CCareline will link callers to in-demand services such as:
- Counselling, relationships, marriage, parenting, family support
- Addictions, mental health, therapies
- Home care for the elderly
CatholicCare also have the CCareline App which is your tool to help by putting the knowledge of CCareline in your pocket. Once you have permission from your friend to enter their number, CCareline will follow up with a phone call and send your friend some vital information.
When you refer your friend to CCareline, you can relax and know that CatholicCare will do the rest.
Your job?
- Pray
- Be a companion
- Pray some more
PRAY
Guardian Angel, watch over those whose names you can read in my heart. Guard over them with every care and make their way easy and their labours fruitful. Dry their tears if they weep; sanctify their joys; raise their courage if they weaken; restore their hope if they lose heart, their health if they be ill, truth if they err, repentance if they fail.
Amen.
ACT
Reach out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while